Canada Day Weekend!

I have been such a disgusting fuck the last week.
Seriously, fasting? NOPE.
Gym? NOPE.
Okay, well I went to the gym yesterday, kinda...
But today, I was all gung-ho to fast and work out and the whole bit...
Then the beau texted me with some disappointing news (the concert we wanted to go to but couldn't afford was tonight... saaaadddd) anyways, I decided to make a fancy-ass dinner instead... and so I ate... and ate... and ate... and will probably eat again later tonight
because I'm disgusting.
TOMORROW I SHALL FAST!
And this weekend, I will try SO HARD
which will be super difficult because it is the Canada Day long weekend... and obviously I'll be partying with friends the whole time... but I will try!

Also, I'm determined that starting on Tuesday (since I'll be away until then), I'm going to start posting my daily intakes/outputs again to try to motivate me. I have a party next Saturday (July 8) and I'm DETERMINED to be at a good, hard 145 by then. Even if it means not eating a damn thing all week and working out every friggen day!

Anyways, in case I don't get to post again before I go away tomorrow, Happy Canada Day  to all of my fellow Canadians! <3 

Some Canada Day Thinspo<3

Look how skinny her arms are! sighhhh


<3 

lol fuck

What negative things do you often say to yourself? What should you do about this negativity? What personal affirmations work best for you?

This is one of the topic options for this week's assignment in one of my psychology classes. It's all about self-affirmation, and as well as we all know what my exact answer should be, I can't bring myself to answer it... for obvious reasons.

Anyways, I thought I'd share the irony with you ladies!
I'm still a little sick, but I'm getting better, I'll post again midweek with some updates!


<3

EDIT: Based on stillimagining's post (ps, thanks love<3 ) I thought I should just clarify, it was a topic option,  (1 of like, 7 I think) aha so luckily, I don't actually have to write about it, instead I'm doing the on on anger in competition, but I thought that it was an interesting question, really makes ya think. I might just answer it in a post later this week <3 

I'M SO SICKKKKK (sadfacee)

HOW DO I GET A COLD IN THE SUMMER
Honestly. Its 40 degrees with the humidex (Celsius, obviously)- that's about 104 F.
SO FUCKIN HOT- yet somehow, this one manages to get not only a cold, but THE WORST COLD KNOWN TO MAN
I don't get colds
Yes, I'm sick pretty often, but never colds
And when on the rare occasion I do get a cold, it's a cough and MAYBE a runny nose
Not this deathly hell I've been through the last couple days
You name it, it's tormenting me
Cough?-check
Congestion?-check
Throat as sore as fuck?-check
 MASSIVE FUCKING HEADACHE?-check
Fever?-check
Okay, that last one was yesterday only, but you get the picture
I feel like DEATH.

Anyways, sorry about the lack of posting and such, Its because I'm DYING, but I'll try my best to get back to it soooonnnn!

Also, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I know that my friend didn't "catch" it from me, but she definitely picked up some of my eating habits and ed tendencies. As Sammy put it, trigger would have been a better word to use.
I saw her this weekend.. and though we didn't talk about it, she did eat- now I know it means nothing, I mean, we all have those days, but just seeing her put back a few pieces of pizza made me feel a bit better- for now.

<3 

so numb about it all

I've been suspecting it for a while
Now, again, that feeling is in the pit of my stomach
Now, more than ever, and it's all my fault. 
My stupid, irregular, often nonexistant eating habits
My obsession with trying to lose the weight
How could I have been so blind to let this happen?
She's one of my best friends. Recent, through this torture and hell of the last few years
But we both went through it, the same hell, the same torture by the same person

someone who used to be a friend.

And it brought us together.
Understanding made us friends. Hate made us more

hate for her

It seems so strange to have a best friend.

a girl best friend.

I've never had one who hasn't turned around and eventually stabbed me in the back.
She seems so innocent, so nice, never causes drama, always listens

and I've ruined her

turned her into...me

Slowly, she started to eat less, I didn't notice because I was so self-involved with my own eating habits that I didn't think twice about it.

Besides, we hardly see eachother, shes an hour away

Looking back, the exercise was my first warning sign. How did I not pick up on that?

You idiot, that's exactly how you started. How could you be so blind?

Because my own exercising habits are just as fucked, and getting worse
She lost some weight.

Good for her

She lost some more
Drastically changed in one week

How did I not notice?

I did notice.

She looked good, I was happy for her

I was so wrapped up in my own delusions of quick weight loss from fasting, I didn't think twice

But I did get a bit suspicious

not that you did a damn thing

She talked to me about weight loss, exercise, food, eating

like a blog post?

Exactly like a blog post. And I didn't do anything.
Today I found her Pinterest page
All Thinspo.

All of it. Just like yours would be. Just like your bookmarks; pages and pages of thinspo

I found myself caught up, looking at all of the pictures
I even saved a couple for myself, just in case
But it's there, now more than ever.
Obvious, in my face.
She's developing, if not already developed
An ED
It makes me so sad to think about
How do I even bring it up?
It's so natural to me,
The exercise, the restricting, counting every calorie

the secrets

I'm so ashamed, guilty, and I know I won't be able to talk to her about it

that would reveal my secret, the only one she doesn't know

 

lol this weekend...

Well.... I was at my family's chalet this weekend... and I FINALLY STEPPED ON A SCALE

motherfucking drumroll....

145 (or something)- it wasn't a digital scale.. but you get the idea

Me on the Outside

annnnddddd......

On the inside!

So So SOOOO HAPPY!

Anywaysss! I of course ate like SHIT all weekend and I imagine that I've fucked everything up and am back up to 149... but I'm going to live in ignorance and weigh myself again when I go home on the weekend (on a real, good scale)... until then, I'll keep doing what I'm doing...

So I'll post a for reals update then!

Aside from that, life's the same, I thought I'd just answer everyone from my last post since there were a lot of questions and I know I have some es'plaining to do over my deathly disappearance and such sooo without further 'ado

Sammyyy- yeah my lovely hemophillia, I had a NICEEEE (NO FUCKING WAY) long period, lasting oh ya know, OVER A MOTHER FUCKING MONTH! who the fuck has problems like that? This girl. Anyways, that led to horrible anemia as you can imagine, and I could barely walk because of the whole slowly dying of blood loss thing. Anywhooo, a transfusion or two later, and after a couple weeks of rehabilitation (bahaha AKA sitting on my ass watching TV and having my dad take me to the Avengers in a fucking wheelchair) I'm doing muchhh better haha

Emma- I agree, its nice that he cares, but its still so frustrating... but I've talked to him about going vegetarian (I'm not, I'll still eat chicken given the chance, but if I'm buying, tofu's cheaper and I already do it) and so he's been a lot better with the healthy stuff- it's like the word vegetarian set off a healthy eating lightbulb in his head

Live and Love- I'm glad you got it all figured out! Yep my profile pic is me (a couple years ago) when I was in my first year of university. I wear my hair differently now, natural and curly- btw curly hair is TEN TIMES WORSE on a passport (comparing my straightened hair days to now)- I look like a lion... in a good way haha

stillimagining- UGHHH I KNOW! I do worship VS models, but oohh god yes I'd have to argue that boys worship them more than most girls... I'd even put them up there with girls like us who worship more than most haha

thank you all for your lovelyyy comments <3 

I'll try to post again sooonnn! but life's pretty dull right now, just restricting, gym for EVER, every day, and school/work. LAME I know.

Dear Sammy...

After talking to you this fine morning, after my terrible, horrible breakfast of toast and peanut butter and cinnamon rolls and honey and bananas... I had what feels like a million calories more. I know I didn't, but I just feel like all I've done today is eat. All I've really done is nibble here or there, I know it's not much more over what I had for breakfast... but soon I'll go to have a nice cucumber and tomato salad for dinner
Also, I didn't work out today.  FML I'm such a failure. 




I love my boyfriend, I really do... but sometimes I just HATE HIS GUTS
He makes me eat the shittiest foods, and convinces me to just lie about.
And I know he loves me the way I am, but the posters in his room of Victoria Secret models don't exactly help my self-esteem. It's not fair that he's fit and gorgeous and never has to worry about his weight.
And I was doing so well this week so far.
I Broke down and bought a measuring tape since I don't have a scale. My waist is at 27 inches and my hips are 36... thats down half inch from yesterday, and 3 inches from a few days ago... So I'm happy... just... disappointed.

Tomorrow I'm doing the lemonade diet if it kills me. I did it during exams, and lasted all 10 days, but then I had one of my episodes after and unfortunately lying in the hospital (ps this has nothing to do with my eating! Blood disorder, so nobody worry!) anyways, I gained it allllll back soo shhhh (sadfaceee)
ANYWAYS! Lemonade diet tomorrow! Until Friday when I see my sister. Then try my best on the weekend to not binge and then Lemonade again the following Monday. I. WILL. LOOK. GOOD. Idunno how well I've been doing this week, but I definitely feel like things have been going well, I feel great at the gym, and I'm determined to keep having that feeling!

Anyways, I'll try to post regularly this week, but I have to work this week so things are looking pretty busy, If I don't post, don't fret, I shall be back, with GOOD NEWS! (I sure hope at least)

Love you all <3

Pizza, y u hatin?

mooootherfuckerrrr
Pizza

Okay soooo last night after I posted, I went to the boyfriend's. It was fun, until he decided to order us some pizza for dinner. We split the entire thing. Half a medium pizza. Done.

I'm such a failure... BUT I've fasted today and I went to the gym for 2.5 hours this morning and I know for a fact I burned at least 600 cals (according to the elliptical and the stair climber) and then on top of that I spent an hour and a bit on the weight machines and such, so I'm feeling okay. Disappointed in myself, but okay.

On a "happier" note... It's supposed to piss rain here for the next few days, so my waterpark playtime is looking like it's not going to happen, which is such a relief.

On an actually happier note, bitchsluthoebag ex-bff is having a party at our mutual friend's house in mid-July (our mutual friend lives near me, and this ex-friend basically controls her, so its her party, but I get invited- they expect me not to show up). ANYWAYSSSSS I'm pretty excited, because I'm bringing a few friends that weren't invited (because ex-bff hates them, but the hostess likes them, just never invites them on principle (one of them is ex-bff's ex boyfriend and new girlfriend, fyi, we all grew up together)- anyways I know this is confusing as balls, soo sorry about that.  Anyways, the important thing is that I'm going to continue working my ass off to look amazing at that party!  :D

Anyways, I have to run off to work soon, so I'll update again tomorrow perhaps.

Love youz!

Keeping You Posted!

Just thought I'd keep you all posted! I went to the gym today and yesterday (for 2 hours each)! I'm pretty proud of myself on that... usually I just go for a 5k (25 min to half hour) run.
Also, I've been fasting for the past day and a half... and I feel great about it. Like, I reallyyyy want the crackers and cottage cheese I have sitting in the fridge, but I'm not hungry, I just want it...but I'll fight it... it's only a couple of days until we go!

It's driving me crazy not knowing my weight though (oh yeah, ps. I don't know my weight atm). I've been living with the boy-toy for the past week, and alas, that means no scale. SAAAAADDDFACEEEE but I'm sure I've been losing (for the last 2 days at least... I mean, I can't NOT be losing haha). Anyways, I likely won't be able to get to a scale until next weekend (aka the 9th ish) but I'll be sure to report then!

Speaking of next weekend... I'm going to my family's chalet for the weekend... and my sister is coming... she makes these FUCKING AMAZING DELICIOUS peanut butter chocolate squares. Honestly, they are probably my favourite things in the ENTIRE world. I'm soooo nervous for it, only having one or two over the whole weekend will be the biggest test of willpower EVER. But, Its still a week and a bit away, I'll have plenty of time to work my ass off until then and I'll be sure to run while I'm up there... so I'm trying to convince myself that everything will be okay!

Anyways, that's my life today... I don't think I have anything else to share today!

OMG NO edit: that's a lie! I have awesome (terribly catty) news!
Okay so I've mentioned "that bitch-slut ex-best friend" before, we don't need to go into the details about her other than I hate her EVER so much. Anyways, she went away last weekend and posted pictures yesterday of her outing with a mutual friend of ours... OMG SHE LOOKS TERRIBLE! I know it's awful for me to say, but who the fuck cares. Bitch ruined my life, I'm allowed to be happy at her weight-gain and poor clothing choices. Yes, she's gained some weight since ruining my life, which makes me a)that much more driven to lose and b) makes me terribly happy because I look awesome in comparison. But what's worse, is that she doesn't know how to dress for her weight (flattering clothing and whatnot) which just makes me SO HAPPY. Normally I would be empathetic and feel her pain and try to help (ie: if it were any of my friends) but FUCK THAT. I deserve to be a total bitch about this. Anyways, that's all. <3

Also thanks to the replies from everyone the other day! You gave lots of great Ideas that I'll definitely be trying out!

Live and Love- I totally thought about the tankini, but when I went to get all of mine out to see which to wear, it turns out that all of mine are at the chalet! GAH! And good idea! I'll bring my camera so I dont have to be in pictures! Thanks! <3

Emma- my love! glad to hear from ya! <3 xo! haha my friends, although many of them aren't smaller than me... (none of my closest friends are), but they still like to run around in their bathing suits... its all in the confidence... that I don't have with showing my body... until it's perfect. As for your sleeping on my back idea... thats hilarious and I've never heard of that before but I'm DEF going to try that haha it can't hurt!  Thanks love! I'll let you know how it goes!

WeWillChange- haha fortunately, I'll be covered up during most of the rides and such by safety devices, but you're right, I definitely want to have fun!

my love-hate relationship with fun

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
my life.
My friends just decided that we're all going to hit the water park on the weekend.
Sounds awesome right?
WRONG.
What the hell am I going to wear?
I would LOVE to wear a bikini.
But... people
...crowds of people.
all... staring at my disgusting-ness
It's one thing for me to be comfortable in a bikini on a beach. There, I just lie in the sun... anyone who happens to look at me would think I look fucking fantastic. Because let's be honest. Lying down, I do. We all do. Gravity is a beautiful thing. Lying down, I have no belly, my hipbones stick out like an inch, and my legs look tiny (because I lie with them slightly up so the bottoms of my feet don't burn (yes, I have tanning down to a science)
But standing up.... that's a whole different ball of wax.
And pictures... photographs will be taken, they always are...
GAH MY LIFE.
I'm going to do my VERY BEST to basically fast and workout like crazy from now until the day we go (and not eat a damn thing the day we go so there's nothing sitting in my belly making it look big)

Sorry for the rant... any suggestions are SUPER WELCOMED
Tah-tah for now, I'll keep you all posted on how well not eating goes haha

off topic...

I know this isn't my usual stuff, but omg so cute! Another perfect example of my love for Marvel Comics!
http://www.wimp.com/hearingaid/

Ps ill update later. on my phone at work atm. ugh

Holy Shit I'm Back

For reals.
I'm back
I'm soooo sorry I've been a terrible blogger/reader lately! I'm spending today catching up though, so get ready for ME!
I've missed you all soooo much!
I've been really sick lately, but I'm proud to report that I've managed to maintain my 149lbs, even though I haven't been eating well at all.
So... what's new with me? I'm in school and working for the summer, I'll be back and forth between my house and my family's chalet, so If I go M.I.A for periods at a time, don't fret, it's just because we don't have internet up there!
Now that I'm feeling better, I've gotten back to hitting the gym, and it feels sooo good.

I'm not sure what else there is to say right now, sooo I'll post again later!
To answer all of your previous questions though, Yes, I absolutely did see Avengers, was there ever any doubt? I may have been on my death bed, but my dad and I went on opening day!

love yous! <3 xo

UPDATE: Sooo, while I was gone, it appears a LOT of blogs I follow were deleted (SAAADDDD) anyways, I changed my "loves and links" tab to some inspirational pictures. I'll update them and such every once in a while.
ALSO: I'm still getting used to the new blogger, so if you're one of my newer followers, and I haven't returned the gesture, please let me know in the "notes" box and I'll be sure to go and do that right away! <3

I know, I'm sorry

Hey guys,
So I know I've been a terrible blogger and hve left you all hanging this past month now, but right after exams, I got terribly sick, then I had one of my attacks (the non sexual kind)- ya I'm aware that my body is fucked. Anyways, blogging unfortunately has been like the last thing from my mind. I'm still ill, in and out of the lab or loodwork and tests and shit, but I'm feeling a bit better today, and our lovely Sasha emailed me this morning and I realized that you all must be thinking I've died so I thought I'd send a quick post to let you all know that I'm okay, aside from missing my computer because blogger from my phone is so fucking difficult, and hopefully I will be back on my feet in another week or so!
Love you all <3 xo

149.8!

True Story! I'm SO SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY
And In case I probably forgot to post, I got my dress for the wedding last weekend and now I'm so excited because I"M GOING TO LOOK FABULOUS!
I'll post more later when I'm not swamped but yes! So Excited!
I Know I've been SO CRAZY bad at blogging lately, but I PROMISE to do better, starting after April 20th! That's my last final exam, and I'm banning myself from my computer until I'm done because I NEEEEEEEDDD to do well on them!
Love you all
Miss you lots! <3

"I'm going to post at least twice a week" blah blah blah

LIES! Yes I know. I'm a dirty little liar. Yet again I have been a horrid blogger and I feel like I'm probably at least a week behind in all of your lives. And yes, yet again I'm blogging from my phone.

 But there's a light at the end of this dark tunnel of assignments and shit! ONE MORE PAPER! One more, then ill give a proper update and a proper read of all of your blogs. This weekend. Promise! I'm going home for the holiday so ill have lots of time for everyone!

 Love yous and hope all is well, I've been doing terribly because my period is being a little bitch and bloating the fuck out of me... But more on that later! <3

Keep meaning to share this!

Hey Guys,
So just a real quick post before I head out to the gym (GASP)
My friend posted this on another friend's facebook wall like a month ago, and I kept meaning to share with you guys but I could never get to the link using my phone so I couldn't post it
Anyways, here it is now, better late than never. I thought it was a pretty interesting read, and Idunno I found it to be good thinspo, so maybe some of you will too!
I'll post a bigger update tomorrow night!
xo

Link: http://www.listal.com/list/going-skinny

such a bad mood

So I've jumped on the "blogging on my cellphone" train, well see how that goes.
So far, its deleting me every time I misuse the capitol letter "I" as in "I've", "I'm" and just plain "I" soooo wish me luck!
I'm desperately posting from my phone because sitting here, in such a terrible mood, no internet and I just want to cry.
First of, the boy made me get subway for dinner. I mean made. I bought fresh veggies yesterday to have tonight, had plans to bbq him some chicken  but NOPE, that happen. I'm pretty pissed since I told him want it but had to eat it anyways.
 I've aso been here for a few hours, and have been ignored the entire time. no internet, nobody is talking to me. wtf. The only thing keeping me here the insane wind going  outside.
 I'm so close to tears right now, and now I can't read what I'm typing, cool blogger. fuck you.  and sorry aout the typos guys, random letters coming through and now can't see so I hope this turns out okay.
Ughhhh I know I'm just rambling now. But I'm just so frustrated with school, and life and food. I fucking hate that I have ZERO motivation lately!
Anyways, I'm going to just go crawl into bed and die
Love yous!

lol whoops

Well You'll be glad to know that I updated myself on all of your blogs this morning
and forgot to update MY OWN BLOG
Sooo Silly
Anywhoo, not much to update on, I've been gone for 2+ weeks, I know I know, but not a whole lot has changed!
Exams start soon... but I'm going to try my best to blog at least once (I can do better than that) twice a week!
I've been TERRIBLE with my intake lately
But I'm managing to maintain at 150 even, soooo as disappointed as I am in myself for not loosing, I can't complain because I haven't gained either woo!
HOWEVER! It's back to the grind this week! I SHALL SUCCEED!
I have SO MUCH to look forward to in the near future and I want to be able to use some of these things as rewards (I'll update more on said things as they get closer!) 
SPEAKING OF GOOD THINGS: if you haven't read the Hunger Games SERIES yet (yes, I edited and added series... so many people just read the first one and are like "I hated the ending because it didn't wrap up, it just..ended. THATS BECAUSE THERES 2 MORE BOOKS!)... where the hell have you been? GO FUCKING DO IT- and then see the movie. I went to the midnight screening last Thursdayyy (woo!) and yeah. mixed feelings but overall content with the goings on of the film

BUT ITS BEDTIME!
Love you all ever so terribly!

oh me oh my

I know I know! I've been so overly, terribly MIA for the past 2 weeks! But I promise, that WILL change... soon...ish
I have 3 papers due this week, then I'm going on a roadtrip this weekend, but I'll be back Sunday, and I WILL post an update, and I WILL spend the day catching up on all of your posts! And hopefully I will be doing that in the beautiful sunlight. It's been so hot and sunny the past 2 weeks! Tonight I'm going for a run, in the beautiful, glorious heat!
I Miss you all terribly!
<3 xox

Just need to vent

Ughhhh!
I had a TERRIBLE day yesterday, in fact, I've been having a terrible few days now, and it's 10:00am and I'm already  having another terrible day!
Sorry I just have to vent on here to you guys because none of my friends would understand.
So from the beginning: I have my puppy with me for 2 weeks (this week and next) because my parents are going to Florida and so I need to take care of him. My roommate however, freaked out over this (which is stupid because she LOVES dogs, but she doesnt want our landlord to find out (which he wouldnt unless someone told him because he doesnt just drop by unannounced) SO I've been staying at the boys' house. No big deal. They all love me, they love him... problem solved right?
Wrong.
I was doing GREAT on the lemonade diet, was up to 4 days, and then at the end of the 4th day, I got soooo sick (from doing the laxatives with it I think, because I've fasted 5 days no problem in the past if you recall) so I had a nap and when I awoke, the boy had made us some carb-loaded dinner (I'd have preferred soup, or fruits and veggies so to ease back into food and not shock my system)... but no problem, I still lost .6 lbs. I was fucking down to 150.2... UGHHHHH!
THEN THE NEXT DAY I came home from work and he had made chicken breast on a bun (not bad, 150ish cal overestimated) and then we had fucking SO MUCH JUNK FOOD!
153lbs
in one day. okay, not bad, it's just water weight.... I'm upset but I'll fast tomorrow and be back down at least a pound
tomorrow (yesterday) comes... kickstart the lemonade diet again, get home from school, he's made us another delicious looking meal to share this time at least (I had said I wasnt feeling well so he made soup and such)- made me eat it.... then dessert, later a muffin and hot chocolate. I don't even want to know what I'm at now.... I was so excited to be in the 140s! ughhhh!
Also last night: dog peed in the house 20 minutes after I took him outside... on one of the boys' beds.
the boy and I got in a fight over car keys because he was being a dick
I was crazy studying for a final that I have today (in a few hours- at the library now actually) and I don't get the material. I'm going to fail. I know I am... It's my own fault, I barely paid any attention to that class... but still... I'm so stressed... so everyone thinks that I'm overreacting to the exam stress and the dog stress when really I just want to be able to not eat.
Also, I've had nightmares every night since I started sleeping at the boy's house.... (which is stupid because without the dog I usually sleep there once/twice a week anyways)- so that's also been keeping me up.
As for today... well I got up and he had already poured me a bowl of cereal and brought it to me (in bed) as an apology for yesterday night

FAT FAAT FAAAAAAATTTT :( Sooooo I haven't weighed today... and I have no intention of doing so... but I imagine I'm probably back to 155... again... SO FRUSTRATED.
My plan is to just fast as much as I can during the days, and eat only dinner when he makes it at night (otherwise I'll go without). Next Thursday the dog goes back, I go home, and I can start the Lemonade diet again (Don't worry, I'll be careful- load up on fruits if I start to feel sick- also I found that I didnt do the laxatives every day either this last time because I didn't always have the time- but I still lost so whatevs)
I still fully intend on being 140 by the end of the month.... but I'm just so frustrated at the moment! :(

Hopefully you're all doing better than me!

Ahhhh Much Better

Alright my lovelies,
Was back at the fasting hard today, and I believe it went exceedingly well
I'm now just hanging out and doing some homework

But alas, bad news. Is there ever any good?
Tomorrow I head home for the weekend, also, I'm starting the lemonade diet- yes to get into those blessed 140s, but also to actually cleanse (SHOCK!) but yes, I've felt like crap lately, and I need this

Unfortunately, after this weekend, I'll be spending the next two weeks with some friends, and mayyyy or may not be able to blog. I'll try my very very best, but just in case you worry, I won't be dead! <3