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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Ever get that feeling?

That feeling like you feel like shit after eating. No, I don't mean in the emotional, "ugh I've disappointed myself again and now I feel like shit" feeling, but the one in the pit of your stomach like "ugh I'm so full I feel like I might explode" feeling. I get that feeling All The Time. Seriously. I could have an apple and get that feeling. I think my stomach is so used to restricting that when I eat it just kind of hates me. Tonight it's worse than usual because I'm home for the weekend and obviously had to have family dinner, but I'm noticing this feeling in my stomach and I kind of just made this realization. Obviously emotionally we all like the empty feeling better, but I'm pretty sure physically, the empty, "I'm hungry" feeling feels better than the "full"-ish feeling too, at least for me it does. Which is good, because it definitely helps with the restricting.

In other news, I lost 2lbs this week (in and amongst all of the stress of studying for my 2 exams!) Sooo, gameplan? Keep it off this weekend and lose more next week! Good plan, right?

Finally, just as a shoutout because I'm super excited, I want to thank kes for being the first person evarrrr to comment on here. Soooo, Thank youuu!
Have a good weekend everyone! (oh yes, my weekends start Thursdays because I don't have school on Fridays! ahahaha)

Feeling Great!

Yesterday was a hugeee success! I did super well, didn't cheat or anything. Unfortunately I didn't get to do my workout because I had an exam last night that I needed to hardcore study for, but that's okay because I still lost! Not as much as I would have liked, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. Now onto the problematic stuff... This afternoon I'll be headed home for the weekend, which means that it's going to be crazy hard to restrict, and since I live in a super small house, purging is almost out of the question. Tonight I know we're doing Mexican food, so If I can hold off until then, I'm going to try to just have one and hopefully nobody will notice. I'm going to try my best to avoid food at all costs, and exercise like mad.
Here's to hoping all goes well, I'll update Monday with the results.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Twice in one day, whaaaatttt!

I know, this is something that needs to be filed along with unicorns and faeries. I'm posting twice in one day. Don't get used to it, I'm just in procrastination mode. So here's the deal. I'm horribly ashamed in myself because I went and ate a bunch of oatmeal and cereal and snacky shit a little while ago, and now I feel terrible about myself. I'm just getting back from a lovely 4km run with a hill workout, as well as doing the One Hundred Workout which I hope will balance everything out.

On my run, I came up with the idea to write a post every time I feel like snacking on crap in hopes to talk myself out of it. I'll try this tomorrow and see how I turn out, I'm determined to meet my Halloween goal if its the last thing I do... I just need to have better restraint to go along with that determination.

I can do it... I can create a new me!

some updates

Last week was terrible. Awful. I cant even explain the lack of motivation I've had last week, and as a result, I feel gross and am disgusted with myself. BUT Sunday I managed to turn everything around, which is a feat, because  I usually fail miserably at the whole "weekend thing". This week is going to be a good week. I can feel it. I have a couple of exams and such, but I can make it through the stress without eating. Studying will keep me busy and give me something to do.

In other news, there's this boy... haha yes, I've got a huge crush like a little schoolgirl. One of my old friends from highschool has recently re-entered my life (for future, we will call him Ducky) and you could say I'm smitten. By the looks of it, he's interested too, but me and my self-sabotaging believes that I can't make anything work with him until I'm happy with myself. My first goal is coming up (Halloween) and funnily enough, that will be the next time that I get to see Ducky. This means I'll be stepping up my game so I can have to confidence I need next time we see each other! I've decided to give the lemonade diet/master cleanse a try, mainly because I've got a busy week and a bit coming up, and I think that knowing exactly what I'm to eat (drink) will be so much easier on my brain while I'm working on these exams.

Master cleanse day one (yesterday) went fairly well but I caved after my night class last night, but I'm determined to try again and make it work from today until the 14th (with some breaks on weekends because Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up next week!)


Thanks to Skeleton Strong and her Halloween Weight Loss Contest, I'm a lot more motivated now for Halloween.

I will be thin. I will make this work. I will be happy again

Sunday, September 18, 2011

So Disappointed

I know I haven't posted in a week or so, and for that I'm really sorry. I've had just a horrible week, and I was just too ashamed to talk about it. I went to the party last weekend, and everything went well. Everyone's on a civil level again, but by the end of the weekend, I had gained back all of the weight that I had lost the week before, and so- I was no longer on track with my weight loss goals. I finally pulled my shit together, and lost almost 5lbs this week, and then the weekend rolled around- it was one of my best friends' birthdays, so of course I have been eating like a pig and not exercising. And I hate myself for it- but that hasn't stopped me yet. I intend on going for a crazy long run today- but now that it's getting cold out, I find that I can't motivate myself to go run outside.
I'm so disappointed in myself, but I'm going to figure this out and be where I want to by Halloween. I owe myself that much.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Thunder Storms and Wicked Heat

Sorry kids, get ready for a long one.
Okay, I feel like I'm just making excuses. In early July, it was wicked hot out. I mean the type of heat where you couldn't open the windows for 2 weeks for fear of melting into a puddle. Stupidly enough, I continued with my workouts during these weeks. At first I was doing my usual 5ish km, but then after suffering heatstroke not once, but twice, I cut back and started running before work early early early in the mornings (like... 4am early- still dark, still cool= not a bad run). Anyways, worktime is over, school starts again soon, but right now I feel like I'm in limbo; caught between two much needed strict schedules of what I'm doing and when.

I like schedules. I like structure in my life. I like knowing that okay, if I'm going to work out today, it has to be now because I have to do XYandZ at these times and might be too tired to go later, or something else might come up. But right now, I'm stuck. I have nothing to do. I've been getting up later, running at 8am when it's still cool-ish but not by much; I've cut back my running distance because I feel like I just cant handle the humidity, plus my endurance is shot from being on vacation for 2 weeks. My running times have slowed wayyyy up and halfway through my circut I convince myself to stop (my circut goes from my house, in a 2.5km route around my area, past my house again, then towards downtown and back which is 3km.). Instead of 5km, I'm doing about 2.5km in the mornings now, along with a workout after. I convince myself that I'll run another 2.5km and workout in the afternoon, but then it gets too hot to do that and well, heatstroke wasn't fun so I'm not going to do anything stupid like that again, especially when I run outside, and know that all of the motorists on the street are watching me run.

Today I even made plans with one of my girlfriends to go for a run. but then we had a crazy thunderstorm. The heat broke, which is great, but the lightning prevented us from going and by the time the storm had ended, the immense heat was already back.

On the plus side, my restricting and small snacking and such is getting much better. I've been really hardcore at it for a couple of days now and I'm hardly hungry now. The small snacks of things like apples, bell peppers and celery have really helped. Plus I've been drinking so much water that my bladder is going to explode, so my stomach is always full!

I'm really getting into crunch time. The party I'm still contemplating on going to is coming up quickly, and I haven't made nearly as much progress as I would have liked. I've almost decided to give up on my goal for the party and make another one for a little bit later. I should've been more conscious about my weight-loss while I was on vacation, and now it's almost unrealistic to expect to be where I want to be by the party (that doesn't mean I'm not going to try!) But if I just aim to do my best by the party, I won't be so disappointed.
Instead, I'm going to set a few new goals!

My absolute favourite holiday is Halloween. J'adore dressing up in costume, and I always think of creative costume ideas that I not only make, but are generally a big hit. A few years ago (when I was at my thinnest) I rocked a wicked Poison Ivy costume, and one of my friends went as the Joker, it was brilliant and we won a contest while we were at it.  Last year Halloween sucked bigtime. I got into a huge fight with my best friend and then the hostess of the party we were going to got food poisoning and everything got cancelled. I still went to some other small parties, but nothing big happened, I wasn't with my main friend group, and I didn't get a single picture. This year, things are going to be different. I want to rock Halloween like it's my job. That means my goal is to lose at least 20lbs by then and come up with a rocking costume to put all my past ones to shame. Look forward to costume ideas and pictures in the near future (and as I get closer to my goal, which is what will really help me decide what to be)!

My next goal is Christmas/New Years. For Christmas, my family and I are going down south where it's hot hot hot, bathing suits are a must and frolicking on the beach will happen. That means I need to look my best. My goal is to be back to at least my original weight by then, so I can look stellar. New Years is another story. New years is probably going to be the next time (after this upcoming party perhaps) that I'll get to see my ex boyfriend and my bitch of an ex-best friend who slept with him (oh the drama in my life). If I've ever had a goal it's this one. I neeeeeeed to look the absolute best I ever had for this night. It'll not only make me feel so much better about myself, losing my best friend, and the breakup, but to me, I feel like it'll make him realize what he lost (they, like me have all put on some weight in the past year), it's almost like a revenge thing for me. I'm okay with that. Plus, New Years is always a fancy dancy event where I'm from. Formal wear and the whole bit, and I'd lovvvee to be able to wear the dress my SUPER SKINNY sister wore to her prom last year. It's gorgeous, but a) wouldn't fit me right now, and b) shows a lot of back, which means that I need to not have the disgusting backfat I'm sporting right now.

This is basically the dress, except hers is green, and doesn't drag on the floor: Gorgeous, isn't it?


I apologize, this was a long one, but I'm sure my next few will be short. I probably wont post again for a few days... Let's aim for Wednesday, yes? Until then,
à bientôt!