Now, again, that feeling is in the pit of my stomach
Now, more than ever, and it's all my fault.
My stupid, irregular, often nonexistant eating habits
My obsession with trying to lose the weight
How could I have been so blind to let this happen?
She's one of my best friends. Recent, through this torture and hell of the last few years
But we both went through it, the same hell, the same torture by the same person
someone who used to be a friend.
And it brought us together.Understanding made us friends. Hate made us more
hate for her
It seems so strange to have a best friend.
a girl best friend.
I've never had one who hasn't turned around and eventually stabbed me in the back. She seems so innocent, so nice, never causes drama, always listens
and I've ruined her
turned her into...me
Slowly, she started to eat less, I didn't notice because I was so self-involved with my own eating habits that I didn't think twice about it.
Besides, we hardly see eachother, shes an hour away
Looking back, the exercise was my first warning sign. How did I not pick up on that?
You idiot, that's exactly how you started. How could you be so blind?
Because my own exercising habits are just as fucked, and getting worseShe lost some weight.
Good for her
She lost some moreDrastically changed in one week
How did I not notice?
I did notice.
She looked good, I was happy for her
I was so wrapped up in my own delusions of quick weight loss from fasting, I didn't think twice
But I did get a bit suspicious
not that you did a damn thing
She talked to me about weight loss, exercise, food, eating
like a blog post?
Exactly like a blog post. And I didn't do anything.Today I found her Pinterest page
All Thinspo.
All of it. Just like yours would be. Just like your bookmarks; pages and pages of thinspo
I found myself caught up, looking at all of the picturesI even saved a couple for myself, just in case
But it's there, now more than ever.
Obvious, in my face.
She's
An ED
It makes me so sad to think about
How do I even bring it up?
It's so natural to me,
The exercise, the restricting, counting every calorie
the secrets
I'm so ashamed, guilty, and I know I won't be able to talk to her about it
that would reveal my secret, the only one she doesn't know
Hey hun, sorry to hear about your friend, please don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. Maybe you should talk to her about it though, she may need your support. I know you will do what you think is best.
ReplyDeleteAlice xx
This was sad to read (and well written) but you really shouldn't blame yourself. I hope you find a way of supporting her, both her and you could do with some support. ♥
ReplyDeleteoh, baby - my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry that you went through Hell, i'm sorry you feel so guilty but it's not your fault. sweetheart, an ED is like any other mental problem, it's not something you can CAUSE. you can't create it. i suppose she was triggered by what happened with your friend and that is in no way, shape, or form your fault, my baby, okay?
i was triggered by a friend. i think i subconsciously picked it up from her. she kept on talking about food and weight and exercise, and i hated it. so i just went into my own downhill spiral. she got help. i didn't. and with the whole Peanut thing (ex-girlfriend), i just couldn't hold on so i slipped further.
sweetheart, talk to her before it consumes her even more. even if you have to tell her that you have one, i know it'll be helluva hard but it's better than watching her suffer later on because you were always in front of her eyes and she was the one who didn't notice (i was pretty much in the same situation - i told her getting down to her goal weight was insane, i worried, she was so irritable, she CHANGED and i didn't know what to do. i just clung on tighter until whatever was taking her took me) and i don't know if she blames herself, but like i said, sweetheart, an ED is not contagious. it's triggered but it's not contagious and you couldn't have helped her 'develop' an ED. you know it too, sweetheart. that's just the guilt talking and biting.
what helped me feel better was talking to her, trying to cajole her to eat, talking to her more and by God, if she eats in front of you, it's going to be the most beautiful thing in the world right now
x
-Sam Lupin
(I really don't know if I made any sense. like Live and Love said, it was beautifully written and it broke my heart that you ever have to feel this way)
Darling :( It's not your fault. Like Sam said, you can't cause an ED. Just talk to her and ask what's going on. Tell her you're worried and you want her to be okay. Do not feel guilty about it, you didn't do it <3
ReplyDeletePlease take care of yourself darling and just talk to her... <3
-Emma
I'm so sorry darling, but it's not your fault. Like the other girls have already said here; eating disorders aren't contagious. If you feel like you can't bring it up with her, maybe mention it to her parents or boyfriend? You're probably not the only one suspicious of what's going on. Hope it works out okay xx
ReplyDeleteSo not your fault. Talking is the key number one that fits in the lock of secrets. This stay silence that keeping secrets requires is the thing that ruins relationships, so break it. I can see that she's important to you and I'd hate to see you drift apart from her.
ReplyDeleteTake care and dare to trust, it's gonna be ok <3
oh sweetie I'm so sorry...but just like everyone else said, its not your fault! If she knew about ur ED she would probably be feeling the same way, its nothing you could have stopped...maybe if she ever talks about weight loss or anything like that again try to bring it up to her like "I'm worried about you..." and maybe u guys cud work towards a healthier life together? I know its so hard but like everyone else said secrets rly do break a relationship. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to starve to death as much as you don't want her to.
ReplyDeleteHope u recover from ur cold soon! God I hate colds too, the runny nose, sticky throat, everything...do take care of urself dear, love u lots<3