Canada Day Weekend!

I have been such a disgusting fuck the last week.
Seriously, fasting? NOPE.
Gym? NOPE.
Okay, well I went to the gym yesterday, kinda...
But today, I was all gung-ho to fast and work out and the whole bit...
Then the beau texted me with some disappointing news (the concert we wanted to go to but couldn't afford was tonight... saaaadddd) anyways, I decided to make a fancy-ass dinner instead... and so I ate... and ate... and ate... and will probably eat again later tonight
because I'm disgusting.
TOMORROW I SHALL FAST!
And this weekend, I will try SO HARD
which will be super difficult because it is the Canada Day long weekend... and obviously I'll be partying with friends the whole time... but I will try!

Also, I'm determined that starting on Tuesday (since I'll be away until then), I'm going to start posting my daily intakes/outputs again to try to motivate me. I have a party next Saturday (July 8) and I'm DETERMINED to be at a good, hard 145 by then. Even if it means not eating a damn thing all week and working out every friggen day!

Anyways, in case I don't get to post again before I go away tomorrow, Happy Canada Day  to all of my fellow Canadians! <3 

Some Canada Day Thinspo<3

Look how skinny her arms are! sighhhh


<3 

lol fuck

What negative things do you often say to yourself? What should you do about this negativity? What personal affirmations work best for you?

This is one of the topic options for this week's assignment in one of my psychology classes. It's all about self-affirmation, and as well as we all know what my exact answer should be, I can't bring myself to answer it... for obvious reasons.

Anyways, I thought I'd share the irony with you ladies!
I'm still a little sick, but I'm getting better, I'll post again midweek with some updates!


<3

EDIT: Based on stillimagining's post (ps, thanks love<3 ) I thought I should just clarify, it was a topic option,  (1 of like, 7 I think) aha so luckily, I don't actually have to write about it, instead I'm doing the on on anger in competition, but I thought that it was an interesting question, really makes ya think. I might just answer it in a post later this week <3 

I'M SO SICKKKKK (sadfacee)

HOW DO I GET A COLD IN THE SUMMER
Honestly. Its 40 degrees with the humidex (Celsius, obviously)- that's about 104 F.
SO FUCKIN HOT- yet somehow, this one manages to get not only a cold, but THE WORST COLD KNOWN TO MAN
I don't get colds
Yes, I'm sick pretty often, but never colds
And when on the rare occasion I do get a cold, it's a cough and MAYBE a runny nose
Not this deathly hell I've been through the last couple days
You name it, it's tormenting me
Cough?-check
Congestion?-check
Throat as sore as fuck?-check
 MASSIVE FUCKING HEADACHE?-check
Fever?-check
Okay, that last one was yesterday only, but you get the picture
I feel like DEATH.

Anyways, sorry about the lack of posting and such, Its because I'm DYING, but I'll try my best to get back to it soooonnnn!

Also, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I know that my friend didn't "catch" it from me, but she definitely picked up some of my eating habits and ed tendencies. As Sammy put it, trigger would have been a better word to use.
I saw her this weekend.. and though we didn't talk about it, she did eat- now I know it means nothing, I mean, we all have those days, but just seeing her put back a few pieces of pizza made me feel a bit better- for now.

<3 

so numb about it all

I've been suspecting it for a while
Now, again, that feeling is in the pit of my stomach
Now, more than ever, and it's all my fault. 
My stupid, irregular, often nonexistant eating habits
My obsession with trying to lose the weight
How could I have been so blind to let this happen?
She's one of my best friends. Recent, through this torture and hell of the last few years
But we both went through it, the same hell, the same torture by the same person

someone who used to be a friend.

And it brought us together.
Understanding made us friends. Hate made us more

hate for her

It seems so strange to have a best friend.

a girl best friend.

I've never had one who hasn't turned around and eventually stabbed me in the back.
She seems so innocent, so nice, never causes drama, always listens

and I've ruined her

turned her into...me

Slowly, she started to eat less, I didn't notice because I was so self-involved with my own eating habits that I didn't think twice about it.

Besides, we hardly see eachother, shes an hour away

Looking back, the exercise was my first warning sign. How did I not pick up on that?

You idiot, that's exactly how you started. How could you be so blind?

Because my own exercising habits are just as fucked, and getting worse
She lost some weight.

Good for her

She lost some more
Drastically changed in one week

How did I not notice?

I did notice.

She looked good, I was happy for her

I was so wrapped up in my own delusions of quick weight loss from fasting, I didn't think twice

But I did get a bit suspicious

not that you did a damn thing

She talked to me about weight loss, exercise, food, eating

like a blog post?

Exactly like a blog post. And I didn't do anything.
Today I found her Pinterest page
All Thinspo.

All of it. Just like yours would be. Just like your bookmarks; pages and pages of thinspo

I found myself caught up, looking at all of the pictures
I even saved a couple for myself, just in case
But it's there, now more than ever.
Obvious, in my face.
She's developing, if not already developed
An ED
It makes me so sad to think about
How do I even bring it up?
It's so natural to me,
The exercise, the restricting, counting every calorie

the secrets

I'm so ashamed, guilty, and I know I won't be able to talk to her about it

that would reveal my secret, the only one she doesn't know

 

lol this weekend...

Well.... I was at my family's chalet this weekend... and I FINALLY STEPPED ON A SCALE

motherfucking drumroll....

145 (or something)- it wasn't a digital scale.. but you get the idea

Me on the Outside

annnnddddd......

On the inside!

So So SOOOO HAPPY!

Anywaysss! I of course ate like SHIT all weekend and I imagine that I've fucked everything up and am back up to 149... but I'm going to live in ignorance and weigh myself again when I go home on the weekend (on a real, good scale)... until then, I'll keep doing what I'm doing...

So I'll post a for reals update then!

Aside from that, life's the same, I thought I'd just answer everyone from my last post since there were a lot of questions and I know I have some es'plaining to do over my deathly disappearance and such sooo without further 'ado

Sammyyy- yeah my lovely hemophillia, I had a NICEEEE (NO FUCKING WAY) long period, lasting oh ya know, OVER A MOTHER FUCKING MONTH! who the fuck has problems like that? This girl. Anyways, that led to horrible anemia as you can imagine, and I could barely walk because of the whole slowly dying of blood loss thing. Anywhooo, a transfusion or two later, and after a couple weeks of rehabilitation (bahaha AKA sitting on my ass watching TV and having my dad take me to the Avengers in a fucking wheelchair) I'm doing muchhh better haha

Emma- I agree, its nice that he cares, but its still so frustrating... but I've talked to him about going vegetarian (I'm not, I'll still eat chicken given the chance, but if I'm buying, tofu's cheaper and I already do it) and so he's been a lot better with the healthy stuff- it's like the word vegetarian set off a healthy eating lightbulb in his head

Live and Love- I'm glad you got it all figured out! Yep my profile pic is me (a couple years ago) when I was in my first year of university. I wear my hair differently now, natural and curly- btw curly hair is TEN TIMES WORSE on a passport (comparing my straightened hair days to now)- I look like a lion... in a good way haha

stillimagining- UGHHH I KNOW! I do worship VS models, but oohh god yes I'd have to argue that boys worship them more than most girls... I'd even put them up there with girls like us who worship more than most haha

thank you all for your lovelyyy comments <3 

I'll try to post again sooonnn! but life's pretty dull right now, just restricting, gym for EVER, every day, and school/work. LAME I know.

Dear Sammy...

After talking to you this fine morning, after my terrible, horrible breakfast of toast and peanut butter and cinnamon rolls and honey and bananas... I had what feels like a million calories more. I know I didn't, but I just feel like all I've done today is eat. All I've really done is nibble here or there, I know it's not much more over what I had for breakfast... but soon I'll go to have a nice cucumber and tomato salad for dinner
Also, I didn't work out today.  FML I'm such a failure. 




I love my boyfriend, I really do... but sometimes I just HATE HIS GUTS
He makes me eat the shittiest foods, and convinces me to just lie about.
And I know he loves me the way I am, but the posters in his room of Victoria Secret models don't exactly help my self-esteem. It's not fair that he's fit and gorgeous and never has to worry about his weight.
And I was doing so well this week so far.
I Broke down and bought a measuring tape since I don't have a scale. My waist is at 27 inches and my hips are 36... thats down half inch from yesterday, and 3 inches from a few days ago... So I'm happy... just... disappointed.

Tomorrow I'm doing the lemonade diet if it kills me. I did it during exams, and lasted all 10 days, but then I had one of my episodes after and unfortunately lying in the hospital (ps this has nothing to do with my eating! Blood disorder, so nobody worry!) anyways, I gained it allllll back soo shhhh (sadfaceee)
ANYWAYS! Lemonade diet tomorrow! Until Friday when I see my sister. Then try my best on the weekend to not binge and then Lemonade again the following Monday. I. WILL. LOOK. GOOD. Idunno how well I've been doing this week, but I definitely feel like things have been going well, I feel great at the gym, and I'm determined to keep having that feeling!

Anyways, I'll try to post regularly this week, but I have to work this week so things are looking pretty busy, If I don't post, don't fret, I shall be back, with GOOD NEWS! (I sure hope at least)

Love you all <3

Pizza, y u hatin?

mooootherfuckerrrr
Pizza

Okay soooo last night after I posted, I went to the boyfriend's. It was fun, until he decided to order us some pizza for dinner. We split the entire thing. Half a medium pizza. Done.

I'm such a failure... BUT I've fasted today and I went to the gym for 2.5 hours this morning and I know for a fact I burned at least 600 cals (according to the elliptical and the stair climber) and then on top of that I spent an hour and a bit on the weight machines and such, so I'm feeling okay. Disappointed in myself, but okay.

On a "happier" note... It's supposed to piss rain here for the next few days, so my waterpark playtime is looking like it's not going to happen, which is such a relief.

On an actually happier note, bitchsluthoebag ex-bff is having a party at our mutual friend's house in mid-July (our mutual friend lives near me, and this ex-friend basically controls her, so its her party, but I get invited- they expect me not to show up). ANYWAYSSSSS I'm pretty excited, because I'm bringing a few friends that weren't invited (because ex-bff hates them, but the hostess likes them, just never invites them on principle (one of them is ex-bff's ex boyfriend and new girlfriend, fyi, we all grew up together)- anyways I know this is confusing as balls, soo sorry about that.  Anyways, the important thing is that I'm going to continue working my ass off to look amazing at that party!  :D

Anyways, I have to run off to work soon, so I'll update again tomorrow perhaps.

Love youz!