Rant- sorry

I've been so terrible these last few days. I went away to Montréal for the weekend for my cousin's wedding and I a) haven't written at all, and b) gained back all of the weight that I lost last week, it's terrible!
The wedding was beautiful, the bride, très belle, everything was perfect, but I felt so disgusting next to her tall, skinny, perfect self in our family photos; and then when I got home after a weekend of bacheloretting and festivities involving alcohol- not good for weight loss. So, back to square one- it's pretty discouraging, but I'm still determined to meet my goals for this month- 5lbs a week, so I guess I've got to restrict, restrict, restrict. And exercise asap, which will be hard because I've got exams next week and I know my time should be used studying for them rather than working out... in the hour that it might take me to do my shorter workout, I could get through almost 2 chapters of my material notes (there are about 20 chapters per course) arghhhh priorities, I know, but not being able to exercise makes me so anxious! 
After this week I'll have to be even more careful because I'm going away with my family to our chalet for the week on a small lake in northern QC, which means there will be lots of food and alcohol being consumed, lots of parties with friends, and lots of calories which I don't need. 
I can't wait until the end of this month when school starts back up! I need my structured schedule so I can stay on top of my weight loss goals instead of having people watch my every move.

Here we go

Well I've decided that I'm going to crack down and get hard on myself. Tough love and whatnot. I've decided that I'm going man... er... woman up and to go to this party whether I like it or not. But there's a catch; if I'm going to go see my anti-friends, then I'm going to go looking the best I possibly can. After my ex and I broke up, I gained some weight and I've been struggling to take it back off ever since. I will struggle no more. Starting this week, with my new leaf mindset, I'm going to stick to this, whatever it takes, I will get my old butt back, and have the confidence to go to this party. I weigh 160lbs as of this morning, so my goal is to lose 15lbs before the party, and I'll do whatever it takes to get there (short of expensive plastic surgeries)
Wish me luck!
And feel free to offer any pointers/words of wisdom/encouragement!

Burnt Bridge #1

It’s a million degrees out today, and I’m freezing. Like, toes numb and fingers so stiff I can barely type, frigid. Why? Because the office I’m working in for the summer likes to hang meat to make some extra cash.

Today’s been a pretty slow day: work, run, shower, studying for exams. I’m so lame, it’s summer, and I have no life. 

I got an invite today for a birthday party of a past friend. It was pretty surprising. The girl hosting the party and I used to be best friends, and now we hate eachother. Over a boy, of course. And the girl the party is for basically dropped off the planet when my ex-bff and I stopped talking. So, the question is, do I go? The party’s still a good month and a bit away (they’re on the ball with party planning), so I’ve got a while to decide, and lets be realistic here, I’m pretty noncommittal, so even if I RSVP yes or no, my answer will probably change fifteen times before the party date, and then I’ll decide whether to go or not the night of anyways.  At the moment, I’m super on the fence though. Part of me wants to run the hell the other direction, every time that I get together with this group of friends (my friends from senior year in highschool) something bad happens.  I should probably clarify:

It wasn’t always this way, we all used to get along just fine. We all parted after highschool, went to our separate universities and colleges, partied together whenever we could; the usual. Of course there were the few who slowly dropped out of the group as they made friends at their own schools, but that’s to be expected. At the end of second year, I went away for the summer to work at a resort, doing basically the greatest job ever. The pay was good, I got to be outside all of the time (meaning nice tan) and I made a ton of new friends. The only downside? No cellphone service. To me, this was no big deal. I had lots of new friends from the resort that I could talk to, it was only two months, my friends wouldn’t miss me that much, they were used to not talking to me all the time because of school, right? NOPE. First, my boyfriend of 5 years started freaking out. On one of my days off, he accusing me of cheating on him at the resort (which never happened, fyi). He’s accused me of this before, so I wasn’t as surprised as one would think. Why does he accuse me of such things? Good question, we dated 5 years, I was always faithful, and you’d think that he’d get over some girl who cheated on him in grade 8, but alas, that could not be so. Anyways, that was the last straw, I snapped, broke up with him, and went on my merry way.

What did he do? Started banging my best friend.

Of course! I mean, that’s the logical thing to do, right?

Oh and to confuse things even more, my (ex)best friend was his best friend’s ex.  Yep. I feel like there’s bro code against that, and Barney Stinson is shaking his head right now. 

Anyways, when I came back after the summer, I began to catch on to all of this (although nobody was telling me). I eventually outright asked the ex-bff if my hunches were true. She denied it (eventually admitted it though), we got into a huge fight over it, andddd I somehow lost all of my friends… I’m not really sure how that worked out. Something to do with things that he said about me after we broke up in the 2 months I was absent from our friends circle, but nonetheless, I am a pariah “they live in the amazon”

I continued to be invited to the big parties and such: Haloween, Christmas, New Years. But no more of the smaller, in-between parties, which were all held like a block away from my place  near the university. It stung a little, but okay, I dealt with it; my resort friends came to visit and invited me places all the time, I could deal with being rejected by my oldest friends. No biggie. Then the bigger parties happened. Bigger means not only specific event, but it also means more people, outside of my immediate friend group, etc. Every single one of them, a disaster. Halloween: Ex boyfriend and ex-bff make their grand entrance from the bedroom; I ignore it, ex-boyfriend drops a condom in front of me; still ignoring, Ex-boyfriend, in front of everyone, announces how much of a bitch I am; tears, walked a few kilometers home as he drove by and honked. Ps. He lived across the street.  Christmas, pretty close to the same routine, until he hauled me into a bedroom and told me first, how much I suck and ruined our relationship by going away and the proceeded to tell me how he still loved be and was being a dick to make me jealous and win me back (me: still in love with him (at this time), too proud to admit it): end result- tears, walked home.  New Years, same deal. AWESOME.

So. Do I go? Do I avoid it like the Plague? It’s been over a year since the breakup. He and I are on good terms now (although I’m not with anybody else). Others I’m sure will be civil, and there will be lots of people from the not-immediate friend group to hang out with and talk to, but do I want to risk it? It’s a long ass walk home…